Experiencing a miscarriage can be traumatic, scary, emotionally draining, and physically exhausting. It can also be a whirlwind experience. Often, we have to make quick decisions to move forward. Other times, the experience can last a few weeks. During this time, and post-miscarriage, there are several important things for us to consider.
 
Here are a few tips for surviving your miscarriage experience:
 
1. Ask every question!

Speak to your doctor to learn about the experience. Sometimes, we find out in our doctor’s office. Use the appointment time to ask every question you can. Do not be afraid to follow-up after your appointment if other questions surface. The first step in advocating for yourself is having answers to your questions.
 
When we first become pregnant, we are often excited and hopeful. It typically isn’t at the top of our list to educate ourselves on miscarriage after a positive pregnancy test. Thus, we often aren’t educating ourselves before a miscarriage happens. So, be ready to ask all of the questions you have.
 
2. Learn what your options are.

Once your miscarriage is confirmed, do you want to miscarry naturally, without medical intervention? Do you want medical intervention? Do you want a D&C? Also, are you able to do any genetic testing to confirm why there may have been a loss?
 
When I miscarried my third child, I was at an emergency room, where they took the fetus to confirm that it was, in fact, a fetus. I spoke to my doctor the following morning, and she recommended the hospital send the fetus for genetic testing to verify the cause of the loss. By the time I contacted the hospital, they were unable to do genetic testing because the pathology lab had disposed of the fetus. If I had known right at the emergency room, I might have had an answer as to why I miscarried. So, get all of your information upfront, and learn all of your options.
 
3. Follow up with your doctor to ensure you have completely miscarried.

Incomplete miscarriages can cause complications, including heavy and prolonged bleeding, pain, or an infection.
 
4. Take time off from work.

In March, 2021, New Zealand approved paid leave for individuals after miscarriage. This the first country in the world to have a policy in place for miscarriage, and applies to couples who lose a pregnancy at any point. Unfortunately, we in the United States do not have this as a national response to pregnancy loss, but some companies may have policies around time-off after a miscarriage. Even if your company doesn’t have official leave policies for pregnancy loss, use the vacation and sick time that you have to help yourself heal and recover (And, if they don’t have official leave policies, once you’re feeling better, this is a good area for advocating for reforming your company policies).
 
5. Find a therapist or support group.

There are therapists who specialize in pregnancy loss. A great resource for finding a therapist or support group is at the directory at Postpartum Support International.
 
6. Build your support system.

Talk to those people you love and trust. There are going to be some people who might not be able to provide you with the emotional support you need. And, while that may be challenging at first, it allows you to identify those people you really can lean on during this time.

In her book, Rising Strong, Brené Brown has an exercise to help us identify the people in our support system: draw a 1-inch by 1-inch box, and write the names of everyone you can trust completely. These people are supportive, caring, and completely honest with you. This box is small, but it’s meant to be small so you only have space for 2 or 3 people you can really count on.
 
7. Prioritize your wellness.

This can be especially hard when you are grieving. But prioritizing our wellness is essential. During this time, make sure you are resting, getting good sleep, drinking lots of water, eating balanced and healthy meals, and exercising (once your doctor gives you the go-ahead). I also include emotional wellness activities, such as meditation, prayer, talking with a friend, or engaging in hobbies we enjoy.
 
8. Treat yourself.

After our second miscarriage, my husband and I went out to a fancy restaurant that we had wanted to go to for quite some time. We treated ourselves to whatever we wanted on the menu. I look back at that night fondly. While we were sad and grieving, it was a chance for us to connect and find joy in our time together. This is a time to treat and pamper yourself. Eat a fancy meal, have a spa day, travel for a weekend get-away. Do whatever you need to do to treat yourself!
 
 

Pfizer defines as “The act of practicing healthy habits on a daily basis to attain better physical and mental health outcomes, so that instead of just surviving, you’re thriving.” As we are transitioning back to what our lives might have looked like before the COVID-19 pandemic, it is extremely important to practice wellness. Transitions are challenging, and we need to support ourselves through that.
 
Use our Wellness Assessment below to identify areas that you could improve your wellness routines. You can also use this assessment to identify areas that you are already strong in!
 
For more information on wellness, listen to our latest podcast episode: Wellness in a Post-Pandemic World (available wherever you get your podcasts!).  

Two weeks after my second miscarriage, I was lost, confused, and grieving. Typically, as a therapist, I have a good sense of where to go when I need support. But I was in unchartered territory. My grief and confusion only intensified when my dozens of weight-crushing questions had ambiguous answers.
 
Prior to becoming pregnant for the second time, I was scheduled to attend a training in Dallas. The topic of the training was learning how to lead a psychoeducational group based on the work Dr. Brené Brown presents in her book, Rising Strong.
 
If you haven’t read Rising Strong, here is a brief synopsis:
 
In order for us to live bravely, we have to expect moments when we crumble, when things don’t go the way we want them to. Those moments can feel devastating. We start telling ourselves stories that are often inaccurate and self-deprecating. But, if we become aware of those stories we are creating, and if we work with them (or as Brené says, rumble with them), we gain clarity and strength to try again. Some of the ways in which we rumble with these stories include exploring grief, anxiety, shame, vulnerability, trust, and setting boundaries. By exploring how these concepts play a role in the story we are telling ourselves, we can pick ourselves back up.
 
As a Certified Daring Way Facilitator (someone who is certified in Dr. Brené Brown’s work on shame and vulnerability), I was eager to attend a training and potentially distract myself from our pregnancy losses. I always found professional development a great form of self-care. I was unaware, however, that this training would also lead to personal development.
 
I entered a room with ten other women. I had previously worked with the facilitator, and she greeted me with a warm smile and a hug. I took my seat toward the back of the room. My husband texted me, “Have a great first day of training!”
 
The Story I Can’t Stop Telling Myself

We create stories all the time. We think millions of thoughts a day, many of which are off-the-wall, or lacking any evidence. They are simply thoughts. But we don’t often realize that. Sometimes, the stories we tell ourselves start to define us. When we start to believe our thoughts, we start to feel shame.
 
The Rising Strong process starts with you writing down the story you can’t stop telling yourself. By writing down your thoughts, you become acutely aware of their presence, rather than having them fill up in your brain, leaving you to wonder why you are feeling so sad/anxious/unhinged.
 
Examples of some of the stories people with pregnancy loss tell themselves include:
 
I’m not meant to be a mother.
I’m a failure as a wife.
No one understands what I’m going through – I must be making this all up in my head.
Why can’t I just get over this? Other women do.
Am I being punished for something?
Maybe I am really screwed up.
I can’t keep a child safe, even before she is born.
 
No wonder we experience deep shame after a pregnancy loss.
 
Beginning to Rumble: Shame
 
After identifying your story, the Rising Strong process has you rumble with the emotions embedded in your story.  
 
The first big emotion: shame.
 
Brené Brown defines shame as: “The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” It translates to us saying to ourselves, “I’m not enough,” or “I’m too much.” In recurrent pregnancy loss, those can be:
 
 I’m not woman enough.
 I’m not a good enough wife.
I’m not deserving to be a mother.
 
It could also be:
I’m too fragile.
I’m too weak.
I should be over this by now.
 
Brené Brown writes, “You can’t engineer an emotional, vulnerable, and courageous process into an easy one-size-fits-all formula.” I remembered a book I picked up shortly after my first miscarriage, a book with a title that promised me I would be healed from the pain of my miscarriage in 30 days. You may or may not feel healed after 30 days. By promising a prescription that not only has no evidence supporting its efficacy, it is incredibly misleading. What happens when the prescription does not work? We personalize it: What’s wrong with me that I can’t be over this in 30 days, when I was promised that this would work! This only intensifies our shame and our feelings of unworthiness.
 
In pregnancy loss, we are not just experiencing that shame as it relates to our identity, but we might also be shaming ourselves for the grief we experience. Grief is not linear, and grief does not have a timeline. Grief does not promise that we continue to feel better over time, consistently. Rather, there are days when we feel better, and there are days when we feel worse. By normalizing this grief process as an individualized experience, we can potentially reduce some feelings of shame.
 
Rumbling with Grief
 
In Rising Strong, grief is defined in three ways: loss, longing, and feeling lost.
 
Understanding loss was straightforward: I had lost my second baby. Longing, however, was not something I had considered prior to the workshop. Longing is defined as “an involuntary yearning for wholeness, for understanding, for meaning, and for the opportunity to regain or even simply touch what we’ve lost.”
 
Women and couples who experience pregnancy loss grieve losing something that was not yet breathing, someone they had not yet held. They grieve the loss of an identity (mother or father), and the loss of creating the family they had so hoped to create.
 
Brené Brown defines this type of loss as ambiguous grief. Ambiguous grief is different from other types of grief in that we have lost something or someone that is either still alive or was never born: divorce, job loss, ending a dear friendship, and pregnancy loss. We don’t often know how to respond to this type of grief, because it typically isn’t honored in our culture. We don’t allow for the time and space to heal from this type of loss.
 
Feeling lost generally accompanies grief, in that grief requires us to reorient ourselves. After a pregnancy loss, we are reorienting our bodies physically by being pregnant to suddenly not being pregnant. We are also reorienting our plans, hopes and dreams. I had to let go of the plans I had made for my babies to arrive in this world. The next year that I had mapped out was now erased. I went from being an expectant mother to a recurrent miscarriage survivor. How do we reorient ourselves after that?
 
We reorient ourselves, gradually, by mourning.
 
 
The Conclusion
 
As we neared the end of the workshop, the facilitator instructed us to do something that honored our grief. I wrote a letter to my unborn babies, and hold a small memorial service for them.
 
It was a warm, sunny January day in Dallas. I removed myself from the group to complete this exercise outside. I sat on a bench in a garden, underneath a willow tree. Birds were singing. It was the perfect spot for a memorial. I expressed my love and gratitude to my babies, and I cried. A real, deep, cathartic, cry.
 
When I returned back to the group, we looked back at our original story we were telling ourselves. And we began rewriting them. My story went from a shame-filled, demeaning, degrading tale, to the following:
 
I feel sad I can’t give my family what we want. Being pregnant allowed me to feel hopeful. I felt connected to my partner. Just because I feel failure does not make me nor my body, by definition, a failure. I can honor my grief and my pain, and I can trust that I am not alone in that.
 
By rewriting our stories, we are not hiding our pain. We are acknowledging it and holding it up, free from shame, and full of self-compassion. This acceptance doesn’t mean that you have wiped away pain; rather, you have accepted the event, and the deep hurt, and by doing so, providing your grief an outlet. Acceptance means we are rumbling with our grief, and not turning to shame.
 
This doesn’t mean that trying again isn’t hard. In fact, after a pregnancy loss, there is immense strength in saying, “let’s try again.” The courage to try again doesn’t mean we don’t feel fear. But, by returning to the Rising Strong process, we feel the courage to do so. As Brené Brown says, “We are the brave and brokenhearted.”  

For more information on Rising Strong, by Dr. Brené Brown, visit her website: www.daretolead.brenebrown.com.

Vulnerability is universal. The fear you feel is the fear I feel. Dr. Brené Brown defines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. While we can practice vulnerability in safe spaces, we will always confront moments where we are uncertain, when we feel that we are taking a risk, and when we feel emotionally exposed.
 
Therapists face a lot of vulnerability! Not only do we witness our clients take vulnerable steps, but we sit in our own vulnerability personally and professionally. It takes a lot of vulnerability to sit across from someone and wonder “am I helping this person? Am I the therapist they need me to be?”
 
I often feel vulnerable in my sessions when I start to say something truly authentic; something that moves me from the traditional blank-slate of a therapist, to a statement of providing insight into who I really am. When I start to say something to which I am deeply connected, I can often stop myself. My breath cuts short, I freeze up. The internal questions start, like a battering ram in my brain.
 
Is that professional?
Does it sound disingenuous?
Am I crossing a line in saying this?
Will people actually believe me?

In her book, Mansfield Park, Jane Austen writes: “There are as many forms of love as there are moments in time.” And the love and admiration I feel for those with whom I work is a beautiful form of love.
 
Yes, the work we do is clinical. But, the work we do is ultimately about connection. That connection is necessary for us to have empathic, safe, and vulnerable conversations. Conversations conducted in this way allow us to dig into places we may not feel safe digging with others, and in doing so, we create lasting change. How can that not be a moment of love?
 
Jane Austen also writes, “If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.”
 
Thus, here is my moment of vulnerability. Here is what I want you, every one of my clients, to know: I love you so much.
 
The work we do is rooted in love. I deeply care for you. I think about all of the amazing work you are doing even when we aren’t in session, and I’m so proud of the work you do every day. Simply showing up to a therapy session is an act of bravery. Allowing me into your life in such an intimate way is my honor and privilege. If that isn’t love, then I clearly have been highly miseducated in what love means.
 
​
 

​The great toilet paper, flour, and yeast shortage of 2020! What a moment of panic and fear. Many of us had never experienced a “lockdown” before COVID-19. What did a lockdown even mean? Can I go to the grocery store? Am I allowed to walk my dog? How do I even stock up on food and essentials?
 
My husband and I, fearing the pending lockdown in February, 2020, started our research. We stocked up on canned goods, frozen vegetables, nuts and dried fruits, dog and cat food. And, of course, toilet paper.
 
What we didn’t plan for was the need to engage in non-essential activities to keep up active during a lockdown. I didn’t think that I would take an immense interest in baking bread and finally making a sourdough starter. I also didn’t think the rest of the country would pick the exact same activities as I had.
 
In April, when flour and yeast were nowhere to be found, the panic hit me. Suddenly, there was nothing I needed more in this world than flour and yeast. And it was nowhere to be found.
 
Neither was toilet paper.
 
I don’t blame anyone for contributing to the shortage. When we are lacking, or when we perceive lack, we become fearful. We make fear-based decisions that ultimately don’t support us, or the larger community. The lack then becomes cyclical: I think I only need one shipment of toilet paper, ensuring everyone gets toilet paper. But then I see toilet paper is out of stock, so I buy it in bulk wherever I can find it, taking away from others who need it, thereby continuing the cycle of fear-based decisions and scarcity.
 
Why do we start to make fear-based decisions? We make fear-based decisions because we believe we are lacking. Scarcity is the focus on what you believe you lack. Abundance, however, is the focus on what we already have. An abundance mindset allows us move out of fear-based decision making and into long-term, sustainable, decision making.
 
Simply put, do you feel that you are lacking? Or do you feel that you are plenty?
 
What is scarcity?
 
Scarcity doesn’t just refer to physical things we may not have. Scarcity, as a mindset, can also refer to our beliefs about our money, time, relationships, health, intelligence, and experience. A scarcity mindset essentially makes us hyper aware of all of our unfulfilled wants and needs. Research has shown this to be true: when put in an fMRI machine, people with a scarcity mindset exhibited decreased activity in the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, an area known for its role in goal-directed choice[1]
 
My Experience with Scarcity
 
I knew I always wanted to start a private practice as a psychotherapist. My biggest mental stumbling block was signing a lease for an office. It felt like the biggest risk I would take. I developed a belief that once I signed that office lease, I would never be able to make enough financially to cover the rent, thereby putting me in deep debt, out of which I could never climb (reality check: my first office only rented for $225 a month).
 
I found the courage to sign the lease. At lease signing, I did not have any clients. And, of course I wouldn’t have – I was just starting out! Yet with every passing minute that the phone didn’t ring, the belief that I would never have enough clients to pay my office rent only grew.
 
Naturally, the phone did ring. But the scarcity mindset remained strong. I began taking clients at incredibly low rates, rates as low as my hourly babysitting fee when I was 16-years-old. My thought was, “an hour making any money is better than making no money at all.”
 
The result: burnout, exhaustion, and stress. I felt my boundaries being stretched to a point that I wondered about closing my office doors for good. 
 
A scarcity mindset forces us to believe that we will never be enough, have enough. Scarcity makes us believe that our resources are finite, when in fact, they are infinite. Love, gratitude, joy, empathy, support, are infinite. Clients are infinite! The phone will always ring with more work – sometimes we simply have lulls.
 
In these lulls, our resources do feel finite. And maybe in the moment, there is some truth to that. But an abundance mindset allows us to shift our thinking that the potential of something is infinite. Thus, shifting from a scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset is a matter of reframing our thoughts.
 
When we believe in a finite world, a zero-sum game world, we make decisions that might help us in the short term, but in the long term only negatively intensify our situation. A zero-sum game framework breeds competition. If you have what I want, then there’s less for me. And, we are taught this repeatedly. If there is one promotion at your job, either you or someone else is going to get it. And if someone else gets it, then that’s less for me. The focus then becomes on getting this one thing.
 
Why do we do this? According to Sendhil Mullainathan, an economics professor at Harvard, and Edlar Shafir, a psychology professor at Princeton, when we want something immensely, we obsess over it. It’s all we think about. We get in a hole so deep that we lose sight of the long-term goals. And then we just dig ourselves deeper.
 
And the deeper we dig, the more permanent our situation feels. I will never get that job promotion, I will never get the pay raise, I will never be a thriving private practice owner. This, in turn, produces immense feelings of shame. According to Dr. Brené Brown, shame researcher extraordinaire, shame is the fear of disconnection. Once we feel shame, we believe we will never be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough.
 
So, Now What?
 
One of my favorite questions that arises in the therapy room is when people gain all of this incredible insight, and then ask, “great, this is really helpful! So, now what?” Now that we have this information, what do we do with it?
 
There are three helpful approaches that target our scarcity mindset, and help us move to a mindset of abundance.
 
The first in a mindfulness-based approach. Mindfulness is the act of being present, paying attention. It is being aware of what is happening right this moment.
 
If a scarcity mindset leads us to believe that all situations are permanent, then mindfulness can help us shift our framework to understand that nothing is permanent. All of our emotions, thoughts, and experiences are fleeting. All experiences, wanted and unwanted, will subside. And, all experiences, wanted and unwanted, will return.
 
The second approach is a Cognitive Behavior Therapy approach. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) posits that our thoughts, feelings and behaviors are all connected. Thus, if I behave in a certain way, I will have a thought about it, which will then impact my mood. If we are able to change the way we think about our experiences, our moods will change. CBT is essentially helping us understand how we experience our experiences. Our thoughts about what we have been through determines how we feel.
 
One CBT tool we can practice for this is cognitive reframing. Cognitive reframing is the practice of taking our thoughts and rewriting them to provide a more grounded experience.
 
For example, if my thought is, “I have to take this job offer/romantic relationship/college acceptance now, even though it’s not what I want, because I won’t get another chance,” then a reframe of that thought could be, “You will never know less tomorrow than what you know today.” This helps us start to shift to an abundance mindset. With an abundance mindset, we see life as dynamic and full of unending opportunities. We recognize the mobility and fluidity of life.
 
The third approach is employing techniques used in positive psychology. Positive psychology is defined as the psychological study of what makes life worth living. Examples of positive psychology practices include self-compassion, practicing gratitude, and building resilience. Kristin Neff, a researcher in self-compassion, has found that practicing self-compassion increases compassion for others, as well as life satisfaction, along with decreasing depression, anxiety, and stress. And, according to research, practicing gratitude, especially if it is directed towards another person, will elevate our reported levels of happiness for an entire month.[2]
 
The Abundance Mindset Shift
 
This shift to an abundance mindset can greatly improve our wellbeing. This shift allows us to focus on all we have, rather than all we are lacking. This shift is a practice, meaning, like anything else, it takes time. If we practice it consistently, we will begin to see the shift from scarcity to abundance occur.
 


[1] A scarcity mindset alters neural processing underlying consumer decision making, Inge Huijsmans, Ili Ma, Leticia Micheli, Claudia Civai, Mirre Stallen, Alan G Sanfey, PNAS June 11, 2019, 116(24): 11699-11704.

[2] Seligman, M.E.P. (2012). Flourish: A visionary new understanding of happiness and well-being. Freepress: New York.
Link to the book: https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1439190763/braipick-20
 

According to Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), there are six core mindfulness skills. Understanding these skills helps us become aware of the mindfulness skills we are already using throughout our day. These skills are also helpful in making mindfulness more accessible – it makes mindfulness concrete, definitive, and behaviorally specific.
 
1.Observe: Simply notice what’s happening. Notice thoughts, emotional feelings, physical sensations, and anything else that is happening. Simply become aware and pay attention.
 
2.Describe: Put words on what you have observed. Observe and Describe often happen simultaneously.
 
3.Participate: fully participate in an experience. Often, when we start to practice mindfulness, we become distracted or engaged in another activity. Rather, if we fully participate, we understand the full experience and how jt might be helpful for us. Therefore, if you’re watching your favorite show on TV as a form of self-care, watch that show with your full attention. If you’re practicing a mindfulness meditation, be fully present and participate in that experience.
 
4.Non-judgmental stance: reduce judgments. This one is challenging, because we naturally judge things as “good” or “bad.” This skill, rather, helps us reduce judgments and focus on the facts. Thus, if you observe that you’re feeling tightness and discomfort in your chest due to anxiety, a judgmental stance would be:
 
“I feel awful. This is embarrassing. Everyone is looking at me, and it’s just making me feel even worse.”
 
            Whereas a non-judgmental stance would be:
                        “My chest is feeling tight, and it’s making it hard to breathe.”
 
5.One-Mindful: do one thing at a time. As a culture of multitaskers, this one is hard! But this is an important one to practice. If you are watching TV, then only watch TV. Don’t also play a game on your phone or scroll through Twitter. If you are eating dinner, then only eat dinner.
 
6.Effectiveness: do what works. If something isn’t working for you, or if something is making you feel worse, then try something else. It is OK to move on from something if it doesn’t serve you.
 
 
For more on these mindfulness skills, follow along on our podcast: Taproot Therapy: A Mindful Moment 

When you embark on a journey to support your mental health, the most important thing we can do right from the beginning is to ensure we are caring for our emotional vulnerability. Part of being a human being involves experiencing pain. If we, however, integrate daily tools to support ourselves (especially as we expose ourselves to some vulnerable things), the journey becomes more manageable.

This is where the DBT skill, PLEASE, is handy. This skill probably won’t come as a surprise to many people. But, if we don’t use this tool, it can feel that much more challenging, maybe even impossible, to feel to true effectiveness of other tools and skills we might use to support our mental health. PLEASE is a helpful acronym to decrease stress and improve our wellbeing.

PL: treat Physical iLlness
Take care of yourself when you feel sick. Visit your doctor if you need to. If we feel sick, we feel increased emotional vulnerability (and not the helpful kind of vulnerability!).

E : Eat balanced meals
Food is fuel. So eat to support yourself during the day. Eat nutritious foods that make you feel good!

A: Avoid mood altering drugs
Now, I’m not saying a glass of wine at the end of a day is out of the question. You can absolutely have your glass of wine, your beer, a cigarette - just make sure you aren’t using them to excess, or that you aren’t using substances to numb your other feelings. Everything in moderation.

S: Sleep
This is a big one! Simply put: if you aren’t getting adequate sleep most nights, make the changes you need to get the rest you need. create a bedtime routine, turn off screens before you wind down for bed, and, if necessary, talk to your doctor. Sleep is so vital for our well-being!

E: Exercise
I like to say “move your body,” to reduce any unwanted connotations the word “exercise” has. Whichever way you say it, get moving in a way that feels good for you. The intention in exercising/moving your body is to reduce stress, boost the positive mood-boosting chemicals, and feel more grounded.

Again, this skill covers those things we already know! But, it’s helpful to remember that without these things, any other work we do to support ourselves can feel that much harder.

Taproot Therapy is here to help.

Guest Writer: Rachel Goldberg, LMSW
​​
The holiday season looks different this year. The COVID-19 pandemic has challenged us with
overwhelming emotions and uncertainty. We are navigating unprecedented decisions around
health risk, travel restrictions, and just sheer ambivalence. Thoughts like, “is it worth the risk?”,
“what is my comfort level?”, “will I be alone for the holidays this year?” are normal.
Understanding your comfort level and finding the courage to communicate your boundaries to
others can feel difficult, but liberating. This holiday season everyone is dealing with unique
anxieties. Remember, you are not alone in this and your feelings are valid. Here are some tips
for managing anxiety leading up to the holidays:

1. Self-care: Treat yourself to something you enjoy. For example: a stroll in a park, a
delicious meal, or a soothing bath.

2. Label your emotions: When an uncomfortable feeling arises, try to notice and label it.
For example: I feel angry, isolated, nervous, etc. Putting emotions into words may help
increase your understanding of them and lessen their negative effects.

3. Journal: Cut out time to journal your worries about the holiday season. Perhaps set a
timer for 10 minutes and journal about something that feels good to you.

4. Rest: Make sure you are getting enough sleep or leisure time. Creating a bedtime
routine can be helpful in catching those Zzz’s.

5. Connect: Reach out to a loved one or friend for support. Catching up on the phone or
through FaceTime with someone can feel comforting.


If you are interested in learning more on how to cope with any holiday anxieties you may be
experiencing, Taproot Therapy is pleased to offer a 4-week Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
skills group. We will use CBT techniques and tools to support you during this time. We will also
use the space to explore worries, redefine the meaning of gratitude this holiday season, and
find optimism for the future. This is a closed 4-week virtual group for individuals located in NY
or NJ. 

Fee: 
Early-bird fee (if paid before 11/20): $180
Regular fee (after 11/20): $205
Dates: December 1 - December 22 (4 weeks)
Time: Tuesdays, 6:30pm to 7:45pm  

To register, please contact Rachel Goldberg at:
rachel@taproottherapynyc.com
(917) 267-8084

I’ll be honest – I’m exhausted. And I know I am not the first person to express that in the last five minutes. Between the pending election, the rising cases across the country and constant news updates warning us of another spike in cases, and simply the general unrest, our world is holding a lot right now.
 
I’ve recently, however, found myself doing something I know is unhelpful. It’s something I can easily point out to others when they engage in it. I found myself looking at my own pain, and comparing it to others’ pain: “Yes, I’m feeling all of these feelings, but I have a job so I can’t really complain.”
 
This is called comparative suffering. Comparative suffering is the practice of ranking, evaluating, and judging painful events. It is detrimental to our emotional wellbeing. And when we do it to ourselves, it becomes that much easier to do it to others. When we engage in comparative suffering, we feel invalidated, as if our grief does not matter. We are unable to navigate our own sufferings. As a way to cope (or maybe to avoid our pain), we minimize others’ pain. This leads to extreme disconnection from others. It reduces our capacity for empathy, and enhances our scarcity mindset (scarcity meaning we believe things or people are “never enough”).

​Yes, there are people out there who have it worse than you. And there are people who have it better than you. But this comparison doesn’t make our own pain easier. Pain is pain. And when we don’t honor our pain, it intensifies. When we don’t honor others’ pain, we conserve kindness and empathy. And kindness and empathy are unlimited resources. No one is served in this conservation.

Antony Polonsky, a professor of Holocaust studies at Brandeis University, refers to this as the “suffering Olympics.” I am not out to win a gold medal in those games! The most important pain I feel is my pain, and the most important pain you feel is your pain (I’m paraphrasing from the great David Kessler, an expert on grief). Pain is an inevitable part of life, and rather than competing, we can use this to connect with one another. I might not know your pain, but I know what it feels like. I might not know what it feels like to be furloughed during this pandemic, but I’ve felt all of the feelings that underlie that situation: fear, uncertainty, anxiety in checking my bank account every hour to make sure I had sufficient funds.  

​Comparative suffering disconnects us; we engage in a series of empathic fails which, overtime, erodes our relationships. Empathy connects us, and allows our relationships to deepen in a beautiful, vulnerable, and authentic way.